warning: this is going to be completely unscripted, and as someone in the late luteal phase, I’m in the trenches of hormones rn (hence this rant)
I guess i’m writing this because i’m bored as fuck and my hormones are all over the place. So unfortunately, this is like the 3-4 day period where I actually crave some kind of romance/relationship, only to realise that's only in my head. Also, i’m a little worried that 2 of my friends are going to kill themselves, so that's fun.
ANYWAYS! BACK TO YOUR UNSCHEDULED PROGRAMMING!
I really hate the current dating expectations? Is that the right word? I feel like as a society, we’ve been regression into traditional values, which obviously means: straight allo couples (think when a mummy and a daddy love each other very much). What happened to the progressive attitude we had legit like 4-5 years ago? I won’t digress into this because that's a whole other can of worms. But seriously, when did relationships become so textbook? It's really hard to feel like I have a place here when I obviously don’t experience/crave traditional relationships.
What I hate is the current ‘socially acceptable’ boundaries for friendships. As someone who doesn’t want a romantic (or sexual) relationship, but also as someone who craves physical touch, I hate how society has made it weird to have more physically close relationships with friends. And yes, this is society’s fault, because of purity culture, and how women (especially) are expected to remain pure and faithful to their husbands.
I have a problem: I can’t distinguish romantic attraction from platonic attraction (?). Take this case. I’ve had 2 friendships now, where I find myself craving physical touch. Not like kissing, or anything further. But simply hugging, cuddling (?), and things like brushing our elbows against each other when sitting next to them. I think it's not romantic attraction, because it's never about what they look like or, honestly, who they are; it's just the notion of someone being physically comfortable with me. As a side note: both instances were doomed from the start, as both of them were autistic, and well, didn’t fancy physical touch. I just really hate how society made it so that that kind of dynamic is weird for non-romantic partners.
Unfortunately, I think there isn’t enough representation (period.) of aro(ace)s who aren’t repulsed by sex or romance. I see lots of representation (relative) for sex-repulsed aces. Think Isaac from Heartstopper. Although I loved his character, the ace rep was shoved in your face, and made it very clear that he wasn’t interested in sex (WHICH IS FINE!). However, where’s the rep for my cupios? Where’s the rep for people like me? This just makes everything harder because how am I supposed to explore my identity if there’s nothing to explore?
I wish figuring out if you were aromantic or asexual wasn’t so complicated. I feel almost like it's worse because I think I have some internal aro-phobia? I have nothing against aroaces, just a part of me hopes that i’m not aroace. I feel like i’m missing out on such a key part of who we are as humans, and i’m constantly craving something I can’t have. It feels cruel. And before anyone comes for me, I know that QPRs exist (queer-platonic relationships), and honestly, i’ll probably end up in one of those. There’s just a part of me who worries that i’ll be alone for the rest of my life. And I know that isn’t the worst thing ever, it just feels like it.
This tumbr post by @faerie-fangs sums up how I feel (-the kissing & random people)“i really wish all social interactions involved physical touch and intimacy. I should be snuggled in a group waiting for card game rounds to end. There should be a good game kiss. i should nuzzle the person filling my prescriptions. there should be zero cases of me falling asleep alone if I don't want. intimacy should be freely available at all times in all situations but instead we created a culture built entirely to create a scarcity of physical intimacy and we all suffer under it”
The worst part, i’d say, about being aroace is the constant fear that you’re a predator or a pervert. Let me explain. A common experience for aro/aces is that during sexual activities (be it alone, or with someone) (for lack of a better way to say it) their brains can’t shut up. I experience the same, and it makes me feel like a pervert. It’s a pretty bad feeling to be preoccupied, and suddenly, you start thinking about an interaction you had with a friend earlier. Obviously, that makes you sick because like, why are you thinking of your interaction with your friend while masturbating/having sex? And it’s not even sexual in nature, literally just a memory. And of course, once you ‘fixate’ on how weird it is, you only make it worse by making your brain think more, rather than less. It's a gross feeling, because regardless of whether it's intended to be a sexual thought, you’re still thinking of someone you know during it, which just feels perverted, even if you’re not enjoying it.
(damn it's really raining rn, apparently it's 3.1mm of rain rn)
I’m still not certain if I am aroace. I’m fairly sure that I am, but it feels like one of those things that you can’t ever have certainty to know. Its not like there’s a test, or you can experiment to figure it out. You’re figuring out if you don’t have/feel something, which isn’t that easy. I’ve grown a lot since I first discovered the aroace labels, and i’ve accepted that it might just be a part of my life now. That still doesn’t make it any easier.
song I liked when writing this: crack baby - mitski, vacillator - ethel cain, goodbye to love - cover by phoebe bridgers, don’t delete the kisses - wolf alice
If any of you are aromantic or asexual, reach out! i’d love to hear your experiences! I'm pretty sure I want to continue this (almost like a series), because my mind is drawing a blank rn, so watch out for that! As always, take care of yourself, get some sleep, drink some water, and remember to be nice to yourself <3
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